Thursday, March 31
eating partner!debate in cvss is coming about fine. barring the slightly-more-than-occasional lapses in concentration and little nitty gritty stuff. one more win and we're through for sure! sounds unbelievable if you ask me.
fell on the way to meeting val. and got into a right mess with mud on my shoes and bag. scratched my phone and the implication of that is
i'm stuck with my phone coz no one will buy a scratched phone! argh. thankfully not a very bad phone to get stuck with.
with good food and good company you really don't need much of an excuse to live.
hey val! enjoyed myself and glad you feel the same too. we must meetup again sometime and go somewhere different and stuff ourselves silly okay eating partner? :D
Wednesday, March 30
did i hear you right?and oh did i hear it right? friendster is now hosting blogs? yucks. get your day job right first people. the pages still load so slowly and there is often cases of missing friends or testimonials or messages etc.
did i hear you right? that's all i felt when you told me what you told me. i'm not sure if you really meant it. it's nth much really. in a way i hoped u meant it. but i sometimes feel that i don't wanna hope anymore.
sometimes it feels as if nothing else in the world matters anymore.
block test results suck. big time. it's not the end of the world but certainly felt like it for a while esp when i got back my econs. first time i failed a proper test? roar. pray it be the last time.
the postal service - clark gable
I was waiting for a cross-town train
in the London Underground
when it struck me
that I'd been waiting since birth to find a love that
would look and sound like a movie
so I changed my plans, I rented a camera and a van
and then I called you
I need you to pretend that we are in love again
and you agreed to
I want so badly to believe that there is truth
and love is real
and I want life in every word
to the extent that it's absurd
I grease the lens and frame the shot
using a friend as my stand-in
The script had called for rain,
but it was clear that day, so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled, "quiet on the set!"
and then called, "action!"
I kissed you in a style
Clark Gable would have admired, I thought it classic
I want so badly to believe that there is truth
and love is real
and I want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years
but do you ever get the fear
that your perfect verse is just a lie
that you tell yourself to help you get by
that you tell yourself to help you get by...
Tuesday, March 29
new layoutnew layout, and a return to the days where my layouts were dark and depressing. well at least this one now symbolises some kind of light in darkness.
comments please, thank you very much. :D
jose mourinho interview from israel
"This is my first time in Israel and I have found it a beautiful and spiritual place," he said.
"Sometimes in football we use the vocabulary of combat to describe events on the pitch. We talk of heroes, bravery, battles or fights. But it is only when you come to a place like Israel, where these words have a true, and sometimes terrible meaning, that it humbles all of us into realising the inappropriateness of this language."
"Bravery is trying to bring peace between communities whose relationship is fragile. So all of you here are the brave ones, not me."
"This building process has to start with the children. If this can be achieved through sport then that is wonderful."
chronic insomnia
i attempted to sleep from about 9. anyway i was really tired. but now i am back here. and i can't get back to sleep. this insomnia is turning into some kind of a medical problem i'm afraid.
i am going to try to sleep once more but it just fills me with fear what i may be facing right now. what do they do with insomniacs?
real madrid keeper iker casillas has openly admitted that manyoo have been in contact with him. isn't that TAPPING? he even made it a point to tell the media. aww fcuk. whatever. there seems to be a separate rule for manyoo and arsenal as compared to the rest of the premiership, notably Chelsea.
ohwell. to the people that have been there for me: a great thank you. :D
Monday, March 28
speechless
i am not sure what to say. wish you all the best.
Sunday, March 27
what's next?
adidas has just introduced a new one-of-its-kind smart-shoe simply called the "adidas-1". started selling on friday i think.
the sneakers use a sensor and magnet to feed information to the microprocessor, indicating whether a runner's cushioning level is too soft or too firm. The processor then actuates a motor-driven cable system built into the arch of the shoe that changes the amount of padding applied to the wearer's foot. Adidas said that changes in the cushioning are made gradually, so that all a runner is supposed to notice is that the shoes fit snugly.
the overall system collects roughly 1,000 measurements per second, and that the processor is capable of making 5 million calculations per second. The company also said that software written specifically for use in the sneakers compares the compression readings received from the sensor to a preset range of settings to determine whether the shoe is too soft or too firm.
wow. what's next?
all that remains
i read with much pensive thought all that remains of our time together. there really isn't much. not even memories or photographs we could speak of. just words.
yet even within those plain construction of characters, quiet and rather uncolourful, was a message that reverberated, and painted this painful transition beyhond what can be said to be quite any reasonable doubt. it's a lost cause that i find myself in pursuit of.
i don't want to appear weak. i hate to feel weak. but what i don't want most of all is for you to think that this love is of the easily wavering kind and i absolutely don't want you praising your wisdom your choice, assuming it being what it seems like it would be. and judging me on my thoughts, my hopes and fears, to prove, or so it seems, that i am but a transcient character in your life.
i keep the memories, in forms tangible and not. i keep the thoughts. and with it i keep that small lingering flame of hope burning.
at times i am just looking for someone to cut me loose, on this final remaining thread that i find myself holding onto.
but more and more so, i get myself ready, for the verdict that seems more inevitable with each passing moment. even allowing for moments of momentary recovery.
it would take some time to patch me up inside
i can't take it so i run away and hide
i run and hide
i can take it. methinks.
Saturday, March 26
all about you
said you made it all worthwhile
so i told you with a smile
i would still hope. and maybe. just maybe. i would still dream.
Friday, March 25
any regrets?
how moving can moving be? love of the most moving kind. when you cry just talking about it. is that what can be considered real love? when the rawest of emotions, most polarised, of ecstacy and sadness, engulf you all at the same time? i hope he loves you like we do! =)
seeing that sort of love unfurl before myself makes it all the harder to digest all that has been going on in me. it's easy to lament how life has rarely been fair to myself. ohwell maybe it is. but when it is also true that one action triggers a series of intertwined responses and consequences it is probably fair to say that each one of us are trapped in something of our own making, whether it be good or bad.
sanah asks me: any regrets?
ah. a moment of awakening. i do not like to think that i regret stuff. but i think i do. maybe we're supposed to believe in something beyond our control? that eventually all roads lead to one, and one that is worth being on? i don't want to. it's tempting.
i would do a lot of things differently if i was given another chance. well i guess that is tantamount to regret.
it would do me lots of good if i could let go. i feel the weight of baggage now. the more i add to the baggage, the heavier it gets. i think that pans out like common sense.
i can't.
any regrets?
the flame of hope, the basis of all existence. let it be the last thing to die.
ramblings
now playing: green day - holiday
prata tonight! excited excited. now that sounds stupid.
can't believe i'm up at 11 when i slept at 2 last night. there's nothing to do today. at times i hate having nothing to do. have been losing a lot of sleep.
Thursday, March 24
let me go
there were always suspicions that i was doing an othello.
the way that i feel. tells me just how much you mean to me.
blow over..
now playing: jet - look what you've done
the block tests have ended! before i kinda realised it had started. i just realised that i'm gonna do really badly. history is just history. and i don't think i have to say more. but i think for the first time i'm gonna do really really badly for econs too. gp shld be okay and lit might be a lil disappointing anyway.
well it's gonna be a rather strange week tml. Chelsea's conflict with UEFA seems to have reached boiling point. and Chelsea have another case to answer regarding the ashley cole case. it seems that Chelsea know they are wrong with the cole case, and thus their response to the case is that they will cooperate fully and basically be guilty. but it seems to be different with the rijkaard case, and we seem to have a case regarding barcelona. the response from Chelsea has been very strong, and we seem to have something up our sleeves. up yours, UEFA.
if you don't update urself constantly on football the above paragraph would make no sense.
and.. it seems that we're going nowhere. right.
Wednesday, March 23
(random) ramblings
now playing: aerosmith - cryin'
a 10cm long bruise on your ankle is nothing to laugh at. not that i am laughing. i just hope it'd be okay.
i've been thinking. who can tell the difference between the $89 jeans i bought from zara and one that costs $20 at queensway? right a very random thought i know.
a not so random thought this time round. everything is, it seems, weighted heavily against my favour. there really is nothing i can do. except to just quietly be there for you. and err, hope for the best? all i ask, is that you tell me, if you have already written me off your list.
i'd still be here anyway. to the best of my abilities.
something's wrong
something's wrong with my ankle. i can't walk properly. my debut as a defensive midfielder? and my ankle just crashed full speed into tt guy's as i made that tackle. the pain is excruciating.
something's wrong actually. and i wouldn't know how to put that into words. it seems so crazy to suggest that it no longer is something i want as badly as before. it feels like it. but it just cannot be so.
something's wrong. and it's driving me crazy. guessing. second-guessing.
i guess i might never know.
and something's wrong really. and i know i probably could never bring myself to walk away from it.
Monday, March 21
i am so tired
i have been neglecting my blog. and myself.
i am so tired.
block tests? what in the world is that?
i am so tired.
history paper tml. i haven't even read the notes. not even flipped thru. not even flipped.
i am so tired. i think i can sleep forever.
feels like a great night to die. let me sleep. for a while.
i hate the way i love you.
i am so tired.
Saturday, March 19
long update
i've been neglecting my blog.
firstly. Chelsea have been drawn against german giants bayern munich in d champions league quarterfinals. it's not that bad really. they aren't as giant as they were before. definitely do-able.
Chelsea v bayern munich
liverpool vs juventus (hahaha!)
ac milan vs inter milan
lyon vs psv
well it could have been worse lah. luckily didn't draw any italian team. reasonably happy with the draw. wanted psv the most. and bayern second actually.
i'm currently getting hooked to "the reason". i know it's not the most current of songs.
i don't know. it seems like the people around me and myself are going thru all sorts of problems now.
char: get well. he's not worth it really.
and i wonder. why do the good people always get hurt. life's such a bleeding joke at times. and the laugh's on this bunch of us.
i try to be there for my friends. but i'm not sure if i'm doing as good a job as they would like. -shrugs
to you:
and onto a more personal part now. i wonder if you are reading this. now that you know for sure the yous and hers refer to you.
i shall not pretend that i'm totally happy and jumping for joy at the way things are going now. but i totally understand all that you're going thru now and the last thing i wanna be to you is another added source of pressure and headache. it hurts when i don't see you. but i wouldn't mind all the pain in the world if it's what being considerate entails. if anything's gonna happen between you and me or, err, someone else, i only want you to enjoy this.
if you want a man that is here to stay
swearing he's forever true
i'll never walk away
i'll never give up on you
and i want you to know, i'll always be around. i'll always be here for you. as a boyfriend, or not. and i'll only go if you order me out. i can only promise to do this the best i can. if you think it's not enough, i'll go.
i've bared my soul. i don't often do that here, if ever, in such obvious terms. in probably the most public domain. something that everyone can see. i know i might have left myself wide open to fire. shoot me, if need be.
so there. a very longish. very personal entry. and i hope you read this. =)
Thursday, March 17
all i want to say
all i want to say.. is that as far as the block tests are concerned, i'm majorly screwed. muahaha.
supposed to study with sunil. lasted no more than two hours when we scrambled off looking for a pool table. yippee. my pool is improving tremendously after spending much of the holidays watching how the pros do it on tv. (instead of studying or smth like that)
all i want to say.. is that mourinho is not to be blamed for mr pornstar-ref frisk's retirement. uefa have confirmed that. come on mann. managers have critisised referees since time immemorial. the death threats that the guy receives is due to mourinho's critisism? that's a causal leap people.
all i want to say.. is "sorry... but i love you."
Tuesday, March 15
our world
of bitterness and checkered pasts,
of enjoyment and pleasures, while the moment lasts.
when daylight fades and all else goes,
the sendiments of sentiment, who else knows?
of false pretensions and masked men,
of psychological warfare and common sense.
why the medleys of guessing games,
would the means justify the aims?
of treasuring the times and righting the wrongs,
of loving the people whom never belonged.
when perverseness pervades into our times,
is that a reason for loving the wrong kinds?
of all the faults we find in this world,
of everything else that we've yet to unfurl.
will you let me take your hand, and let me walk with thee?
will you promise to be around, in this place of no guarantees?
to: you and only you.
when i come face to face with you, the inner peace, that which surrounds me and consumes me, can leave me at a loss for words at times.
there's paper promises and alibis
there is certainly uncertainty in all our eyes
clear the choppy waters. if only for a while.
after a long chat with shannon i kind of realised what this all entails. i've discovered so many things. i'm thinking through. and i still don't know much i guess. feeling much better now though.
i realise how difficult it would be to let go. if i ever have to. pls. i dun even wanna let my mind wander there.
thanks shannon. you're unexpectedly wise and experienced! hah. here's wishing you good luck with that guy. thinking about it you don't even need any luck. it will happen lah okay. i shall reserve all the luck for myself.
Monday, March 14
why the two faces?
i remember a tag by moniza not too long ago. "why do you sound so different on the internet and in real life?" or something to that effect.
was talking to priyanka just now:
.:: Ed ::. [100yrs] the district sleeps alone tonight ; -> cfc-ed.BLOGSPOT.com <- says: contrary to everything you guys see, i take everything seriously.
[mE`]-surleysos pls deLETE my olD accoUnT! says: y is that ppl r never wat they seem?
my answer to that would be society. it is just simply the way society is made. the way we humans are. it is true, that life would be so much easier if everyone was truthful and everyone was what they appeared to be. there are many reasons why people are not truthful and i shall not go there.
we behave differently in different situations or with different people don't we? don't kid yourself. none of us are saints.
narrow your focus down to you and your best friend. chances are, he/she behaves without restraints around you, and is totally truthful. that's why ure best friends rite? when he/she is like that around you the tendency is for you to behave almost totally truthfully around him/her too.
widen that scope to encompass everyone in your society. not everyone behaves truthfully. thus you don't. you are more truthful towards the people whom are more truthful and with whom you are more comfortable with, and less so for others. logical isn't it?
it's impossible to put a value on who is responsible for this phenomena. it's "just like that".
answering moniza's qn belatedly: different situation, different behaviour. my blog is totally truthful to me. it is a great listener. thus i tend to be more truthful with it. tho not totally, coz i gotta filter out what i don't want some people to read. see?
alone tonight...
and it is possible, probable even, that no one else in this world can comprehend the kind of pain i'm going through now. it all hangs in the balance.
the district sleeps alone tonight
after the bars turn out their lights
i don't know. for so short a time, i am feeling so much that it's just incredulous.
i don't want to scare you off. i don't wanna appear as if it's "too soon". but i don't want to lose you. of course you were never mine to begin with. but how do i go on if you were to leave now. i sleep alone tonight.
happy birthday Chelsea!
yes. Chelsea FC officially turns 100 years old today!
let the centenary year celebrations begin! new jersey. new sponsors. new manager. new owner. new impetus into the side. and at long long last, some trophies!
may the next 100 be filled with more trophies. 3 cheers for the greatest club in the world!
alas the sweet torture. that of which i have been put through.
i can hardly breathe at all; this suffocation, thick fog, that which blinds all vision.
oh please. quicker!
Sunday, March 13
i am happy.
and i am deluded.
okay maybe not completely.
it might get better soon.
but till then, i'm just impaled by the pessimism, fear, and uncertainty.
lazy.
the setting is a lazy sunday afternooon. the sun shines so fine. it's the perfect day to wake up at 2. or 3.
what weighs constantly on my mind, aside from her, is the knowledge that i actually must study.
did anyone mention that the block tests is a week away?
it sucks having nothing to do. it makes you feel unloved, unused. it may even diminish your sense of self-worth, knowing you have nothing to do and you're not needed anywhere whilst some others always seem to be occupied, always seem to be out somewhere doing something.
i tell you: it's worse having nothing to do and having to study. i'd rather just have nothing to do.
ah. i wanna be busy with anything except studies. i forced myself onto othello (the book and notes) and i've gotta say it's satisfying productive. i stopped at act 3, being unable to continue anymore.
send me salvation.
Saturday, March 12
untitled poem V
when night comes and darkness falls
and the blaseness that life brings appalls
secure in the knowledge that loneliness brings
the emptiness and coldness of it all
then one night i dreamt
of a fictitious image sorting my life so unkempt
with funky glasses and a perfect smile
she took my hand and away we went
mind not the glasses or the smile
or the face i saw for a while
for when you appeared in my life
you put the truth into that lie
the melody that fits the notes
the pages that fit the bind
i believe we were meant to be
pray you'd never leave me behind
Friday, March 11
lost at sea
it's got to the stage where it gets really scary. hypothetically it's getting to the deepest end of the water, where i either keep swimming or drown. cramps or no cramps.
it's got to the point where i look back and the shore is out of sight. where my legs are fatigued and my chest is closing in. i can hardly breathe. yet there's no turning back. just keep swimming.
it's not that i'm fatigued. not by any measure. i'm loving every moment out there. even if every passing second it gets deeper, till my feet can barely touch the seabed anymore.
enter the sharks. indefinite number of them i am up against. impossible to see where they lurk. i've heard enough of these creatures, but there's nothing i can do to prevent myself from being defeated out at sea.
i will keep swimming. and maybe one day i will reach where i set out to go.
Wednesday, March 9
ramblings..
it seems like we're going somewhere together. but where?
or maybe it is what it is. and what it is exists in no form whatsoever.
i tell my inner voice: be more optimistic son.
i don't wanna run and hide. it seems like we're meant to be. at least to me.
school is boring. maybe 'cause you're not around.
or then again maybe not. school is inherently boring. that you're not around just makes it worse.
positively.
Chelsea vs barcelona
first leg: barcelona 2-1 Chelsea: so we were on our way out.
19th minute, second leg: Chelsea 3-0 barcelona: we were gonna score 6 more.
half time, second leg: Chelsea 3-2 barcelona: if the scoreline stays, we're out.
full time: Chelsea 4-2 barcelona. captain marvel john terry scoring.
aggregate: Chelsea 5-4 barcelona
Monday, March 7
me and my blog
me and my blog share such a deep bond now that i no longer care if anyone ever reads it. i just type for myself.
what a wonderful domain. what a great outlet.
=D
so many roads
so many roads. so many people. yet it was two of us, on the same road together. so many people, on the same road. yet it was you of all people, with whom i'd walk together.
i know that i'll end up walking alone again. and i have been accustomised to this journey.
but not having you, even for the time being, will feel abysmal. just like shoes. they may wear out. they may tear. but the temporary comfort it brings beats having nothing.
if you'll finish this journey with me together, i'll be there for you too.
dedicated to all my great friends, my good friends, my not-so-good friends, and someone else.
sweeps me away
the insatiable urge to see that smile. just once more over. and i know i'd be gone.
or maybe no.
the spark that was provoked in that very instance.
the very knowledge that our acquaintance, and more importantly our re-aquaintaince, will be decided, verdicted upon only by this unpredictable essence of time, makes keeping sane that little bit harder to do.
let me turn around and say hi.
tell me you'll never say goodbye
all i want to do. is to turn around. and see you there. see you there.
the very emotions that ran through and overwhelmed me now maim me. our fates intertwining in what potentially could be something really good. but i know. and you know. and everyone knows. whatever transpires next will be the next tragedy of epic proportions.
everytime, anyhow, something will happen. am i supposed to remain downcast? or believe in the law of averages?
to think i might not see those eyes
makes it so hard not to cry
and as we say our long goodbyes
i nearly do
please don't go.
away from those old tales of melancholy. of endless running away from the tarantulas and scorpions of the world. of heartbreaks and stories that never came true. yesterday night i dreamt of something new.
it's all about you.
Sunday, March 6
slacky day
lunch with valene was fun. we definitely must win a "strangest way of knowing each other" award.
woke up at 10am on a sunday with nothing to do for the first time in my entire life. for formula 1. it was fun. michael schumacher crashed out?! wtf mann. but he kind of asked for it in a way. tried to overtake Heidfeld and caused both of them to crash to the grass. double podium finish of first n third for renault is remarkable. i guess i'm jez a neutral fan. anyway, giancarlo fishichella won, rubens barrichello got second and fernando alonso third.
i like italy's national anthem.
i kind of realised that me talking about formula 1 is worse than me talking about football.
so let's talk football. Chelsea beat norwich 3-1. OMG we conceded. cech conceded after 1025 mins. premiership record. and KEZMAN scored again soon after, the winning goal. he won d carling cup for Chelsea, you could say he sealed the premiership for Chelsea. whisper it softly, but he might just be hitting the form that saw him grab one goal EVERY game in holland.
manyoo draw 0-0 with crystal palace. Chelsea now lead by EIGHT POINTS and a game in hand, and it could very well be ELEVEN or at least NINE. hmm. where's arsenal?
basically a freaking slacky day. gotta do econs. ouch.
Saturday, March 5
if you just smile
research conducted in britain has indicated that seeing a smile is more likely to give a short-term high than sex, chocolate, shopping and receiving money, research conducted in Britain indicates.
of course it depends on who is the one smiling, and if he or she appears to be sincere.
participants who were shown a child's smile experienced the same level of stimulation as would have resulted from eating 2,000 chocolate bars.
haven't the researchers heard of the LDMU? imagine eating 2000 chocolate bars. :S
but u get the idea don't you.
smiles are better than sex.
your smile just swept away everything in its path.
left to a coin
can't believe that it was left to a coin toss. in the end there was no clear winner.
oh yes. i feel stupid.
maybe you
maybe you are my chicken soup. =D
Friday, March 4
one and one. still is one.
i was going on this one-way street. not without companions. but no one out there would ever be able to save me if i crash. i have my good friends. =)
but life can be a real bitch. i barely caught it this time when it throws another at me.
one pain. beautiful. and then there was one more. and then there was one.
lovely pain.
my mind is hazed, full of doubts.
ahh. fcuk it. i shall not bother myself. things will always sort itself out in the end. enjoy it.
yeah right.
and it was damn scary how gwen took her water bottle and began squirting it on her new bag in the middle of GP class. :S
Thursday, March 3
why..
why do we live in a world where we have to decode hidden messages ever so often?
to survive, one has to learn to encode and decode messages.
that just makes life so much more complicated.
i already have a hard enough time decoding myself.
cold weather
chilly, frosty weather these days. unpredictable too. sometimes the sun is in full force. and within the matter of minutes it rains upon us.
chilly, frosty weather these days. unpredictable too. sometimes the sun is in full force. and within the matter of minutes it rains upon me.
not content with not getting my jumper on i'm holding a tub of ice cream and indulging myself.
it is really cold. or it is really really cold. either way, the way i am doesn't help matters. it just keeps getting colder.
of course sometimes it feels like hot chicken soup in the winter.
Wednesday, March 2
pick on someone your own size
oh how can i ever win. i should have picked on someone my own size. i picked on someone 4 times my size.
being the perennial school bully, or the street gangster, or from the mafia wouldn't really help things would it. when you bark up the wrong tree you always know that the repercussions are gonna bring about quite some pain.
it's as if it's either you don't care, or you are beyond the capacity of needing to care. it's frightening visualising the latter option.
snowed under
i'm starting to feel snowed under. by everything.
the grip you have on me, it's amazing.
it's hard to try not to, but i'm reading into everything
i had illusions that i was gonna study for a minute or two. i've gotta start somewhere right.
right. crap. i'm off.
happy birthday damien duff! haha. may ur "relationship" with arjen robben blossom! you guys are gonna be legends.
Tuesday, March 1
authorised apple dealer
this perpetual unavailability of the flooble chatterbox (see right) is bleeding irritating.
and it was tragical irony how the authorised apple dealer at junction 8, or for that matter much probably anywhere else, does not actually deal in much. a cushy little shop filled only with apple merchandise, they don't deal in defective product claims.
oh yes they did try to deal with my problem. bad attempt. they passed me a slip of paper measuring 2cm by 3cm with a phone number on it and told me to call that number. so much for customer service.
and when i did call there was nothing audible on the other side of the phone. for _____(insert name of deity) sake, why can't those folks at apple invest in a proper computerised answering machine. or at least one that can be heard. wait. did they actually turn it on?
ok so now what happens is that i sunk some of my cash into a pair of sennheiser earphones. my music sounded like crap.
free sennheiser earphones anyone? at least let the money i spent be used on something good. like improving a friendship.
oh no i am running out of cash. i swear. i WILL run out of cash at the rate at which i'm spending.
