Saturday, March 25
hmm.i think i just got to say: i love my parents. for being there when life's like shit.
five days, and zero thoughts. ohwell.
Friday, March 17
180 minutes. 597 days.i spent three hours of my life this afternoon doing nothing. in fact i fell asleep a number of times too if memory serves me right. three hours that could have been put to better use with friends, or reading, or trading, or whatever.
i was upset. upset with the posting, and seeing some of my friends get cushy jobs, and some getting to where they wanted, whilst i'd slog in a place i don't want to be.
i think i have wasted my time. i just don't know how to get about it.
i have come to see that in every level of society, in any environment, an oppressor-oppressed relationship (or putting it more kindly, a hierachy) of some form has to exist in order for there to be equilibrium. maybe that's why equality for all (read communism) never really panned out. it's the same for every country, whether democratic or not. it's the same for any organisation, from your class committee in school to multibillion corporations. it's just painfully obvious, and not quite as mobile, not quite as free, in the army.
when i chose not to perpetuate the system, when i opted out of sispec and ocs, i have consigned myself to be oppressed by it. boy, i didn't think it'd be this bad.
597 days. i must somehow get myself through this shit. if it's any consolation at all, i've come through 70 days.
597 days of physical training, remedial training, combat training. running behind tanks, running in front of tanks. soc. ippt. procedures, protocols, regiments. extra duties. confinements.
day turns to night, and night back to day again. life follows a course that is equally mundane and uninspiring. add in a tinge of loss, a hearty serving of disillusionment and generous amounts of fatigue and loneliness. if i am to sum it up, living each day with no purpose and no motivation is darn tiring and painful.
all in the pursuit of? (insert fluffy idea here)
i like to think i'm strong. at various times in the past 70 days i felt like giving up. on everything. but i have not. and i must promise myself i won't.
yeah, i won't.
rant over. for now.
posted.
so i'm an armoured trooper?
feels so low.
Thursday, March 16
just run
waiting for the posting order is in a way scarier than the As results, given that i have no say whatsoever in it. my fate for the next 20 months or so awaits.
RAH please let me be a clerk. then i can start hoping to make more money than any clerk i know.
it's been a few days of fun, lots of eating that has resulted in my being taken sick. but DAMN wasn't pariss worth it. i wished i had pictures. let me try describing it anyway. $17 for an amazing spread of almost any kind of food they can possibly serve at a buffet. hmm.
after all the euphoria, my one week or so of civilian life is coming to an end. if i could i would just run. and run and run and run. away.
Tuesday, March 14
go on, try it.
the johari box
the nohari box
you know i won't do stupid quizzes and put them up here.
the Adventurer
you chose AX - your Enneagram type is SEVEN.
"I am happy and open to new things"
Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.
How to Get Along with Me
- Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
- Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
- Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.
- Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.
- Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
- Don't tell me what to do.
What I Like About Being a Seven
- being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
- being spontaneous and free-spirited
- being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
- being generous and trying to make the world a better place
- having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
- having such varied interests and abilities
What's Hard About Being a Seven
- not having enough time to do all the things I want
- not completing things I start
- not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career
- having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies
- feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship
Sevens as Children Often
- are action oriented and adventuresome
- drum up excitement
- prefer being with other children to being alone
- finesse their way around adults
- dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up
Sevens as Parents
- are often enthusiastic and generous
- want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life
- may be too busy with their own activities to be attentive
only two questions!!! ;-)
The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
Saturday, March 11
public service announcement
to those dudes entering the army soon, don't be upset or despondent. don't lose hope on life. don't feel down. i know it's hard. it's hard enough for me too, despite having already served 2 months+ of ns, to not feel like that at times. well, i knew how it felt when i was about to go in and i have a valuable piece of advice for you all: too bad.
too bad for you all, just as it is for me. please try to enjoy it more than i do.
so privates enjoy a little more freedom than recruits. duh.
i dreamt of her again. like how it always is. i feel nothing anymore.
a short chat with mistress reveals that i am just drifting in life, with no direction, nowhere to go. just existing, not very much living, not of much value to anyone, or any cause. and i'm quite bored of complaining along the no-longer-interesting lines of "why must the government / army / whatever do this to me". i think as time passed i have found it easier to adapt to this wretched life. complaining once in a while helps, but it won't take me very far. posting order will be out next friday, and it basically means i'd know where i'm posted to. i'd cross my fingers and pray for the best, for a job which would give me more time to myself, where i can do my own reading and stuff like that.
but someone rightly pointed out that if i become some clerk or storeman, i'd have nothing to talk about. no worthy experiences to share. basically an already boring life is made worse. now..
ah screw it. it's not even within my control, so i shall not overly fret. (i'd still be hoping.)
one week of block leave. let me make full use of it. i'm just afraid i'd never wanna go back.
Wednesday, March 8
the bus-driver boy
sat down not far away they saw
a half-sphere, in the skies so tall.
flushed with colours from the light,
that which resembled a rainbow so.
the viewers marvelled, the peasants rove,
about a sight so very rare.
for never a beautiful sight be seen,
in a place so cold and bare.
yet amidst the tension, amidst the pain,
there was laughter and chaos as they
tried to keep sane.
thunder-clouds take up positions,
preparing to pounce.
as they move in they cover,
the beauty the people had found.
choruses of groans enamate,
reverberating around.
mirages of silent screams
bringing the people back down.
so as they toiled and as they tolled
it mimicked the life of a boy.
he drove a half-broken bus
for some extra loose change
to get more cloth in winter.
and each day at work he'd see
the same faces, the same places.
in his concerns beauty has never
been at the races.
giving up on life and what it had to offer,
the bus boy turned his back on life,
one characterised by struggle and pain,
but he did not lay down and die.
he yearns for the day he'd see the light,
the half-sphere with seven colours.
no matter it be beneath the clouds
it would still be present nevertheless.
he turns his back on reality,
feeding his hunger of everything unreal:
he refuses to let anyone tell him about love,
only by himself would be be healed.
missing the sight he has yet to see,
loving the tale he has yet to hear.
for in the cold chambers of his malnourished soul,
laid a faint flame of hope which he holds so dear.
popped!
i hate losing stuff. just dampens your mood.
i'm a private! POP was truly memorable. how many people can say they've taupoked their pc?
and so i'd just wait for my army posting. and well, my uni posting.
my life feels really empty recently.
looking for shopping partner(s).
i'll miss cougar company.
Sunday, March 5
just keep singing
when i looked at the results slip i stoned a little bit. it wasn't bad, just slightly disappointing. then i looked around, and saw the same people i've been through two years with, some whom i miss more than others. some did really well. some did okay and some not that well. i found it really difficult to find a comforting word, or a congratulatory one. i was at sea, so rough, so unsure. and then when i played soccer in my long sleeves my shooting was disgusting at times.
it's hard to march 24km. harder with blisters on your feet. harder still with abrasions in your ass crack and underneath your balls. and even harder still when your platoon sergeant is always out to demoralise you.
and with the 24-click signals the end of bmt. just as we're settling in, everything becomes so shady and uncertain again. where do i go from here? i know definitely not to command school. i'm not sure if i'd regret this, especially if i see my own friends becoming lieutenants and sergeants in future. it's just an ego thing maybe. but maybe not.
so often in my life i've at least tried to give my best. i know these past 9 weeks i haven't been doing so. i hate this life and i just can't raise myself enough to do it consistently. another regrettable two years ahead i fear.
so there's no one to die for, and nothing to live for.
why do things look so bleak?
i'd look forward to bookouts.
and i'll keep singing.
Wednesday, March 1
judgement day
judgement that is passed may not always seem fair. results rarely ever come as a direct consequence of hard work or competence. what's worse is that competence come for some without much hard work, yet at more of an expense and hassel for most others.
so it's judgement day. i can't claim anything other than how i believe i've worked really hard for this.
then it is booking in again. how underwhelming.
i cross my fingers.
