Friday, March 17
180 minutes. 597 days.i spent three hours of my life this afternoon doing nothing. in fact i fell asleep a number of times too if memory serves me right. three hours that could have been put to better use with friends, or reading, or trading, or whatever.
i was upset. upset with the posting, and seeing some of my friends get cushy jobs, and some getting to where they wanted, whilst i'd slog in a place i don't want to be.
i think i have wasted my time. i just don't know how to get about it.
i have come to see that in every level of society, in any environment, an oppressor-oppressed relationship (or putting it more kindly, a hierachy) of some form has to exist in order for there to be equilibrium. maybe that's why equality for all (read communism) never really panned out. it's the same for every country, whether democratic or not. it's the same for any organisation, from your class committee in school to multibillion corporations. it's just painfully obvious, and not quite as mobile, not quite as free, in the army.
when i chose not to perpetuate the system, when i opted out of sispec and ocs, i have consigned myself to be oppressed by it. boy, i didn't think it'd be this bad.
597 days. i must somehow get myself through this shit. if it's any consolation at all, i've come through 70 days.
597 days of physical training, remedial training, combat training. running behind tanks, running in front of tanks. soc. ippt. procedures, protocols, regiments. extra duties. confinements.
day turns to night, and night back to day again. life follows a course that is equally mundane and uninspiring. add in a tinge of loss, a hearty serving of disillusionment and generous amounts of fatigue and loneliness. if i am to sum it up, living each day with no purpose and no motivation is darn tiring and painful.
all in the pursuit of? (insert fluffy idea here)
i like to think i'm strong. at various times in the past 70 days i felt like giving up. on everything. but i have not. and i must promise myself i won't.
yeah, i won't.
rant over. for now.
