Monday, January 30
...what's worse than the cold showers, all the hot sun, the mosquitos, always rushing only to wait and waiting only to rush, the horrible food, standby areas, boredom and the lack of freedom about the army?
realising how important certain people are to you. for me that would probably be my closest friends and my family.
but what's worse than that, is to realise how important someone is to you, and the dawning upon yourself how you've not told and shown this person how much he/she/it means to you, how terrible you feel because of that and how it cripples your mind to think of not much else.
for me..
:)
i'm so sorry for all the lost time. all the hide and seek. all the times i know i've frustrated you. let me make it up, the best that i can.
Saturday, January 28
switchfoot - starsMaybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same
I've been thinkin' maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast and maybe
All my luck's washed down the drain
I've been thinkin' 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself
Stars looking at our planet,
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe startin' to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinkin' 'bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond our own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Began to look like home
I've been thinkin' 'bout everyone, everyone you look so empty
But when I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself
Everyone, everyone you feel so lonely
Everyone, ya everyone you feel so empty
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone.
dear self:
you silly shit.
don't go on and spoil your own chinese new year.
like whatthefcuk,
you've spoilt enough things.
not least of all yourself.
so much for bouncebackability. (there's this word in the dict okay)
it's been too long lah
no way it's all gonna be the same anymore.
yeah, i know, you've got army to contend with
and it's not always your fault.
but if you open your eyes, you fuck yourself up
time and time again.
nownownow.
it's really just too bad that
you took way too long to decide. oh, have you?
damn, screw yourself mann.
advert
everyone's getting it.™
Friday, January 27
-silence
the threads of my brain can unravel, i can keep tearing at it, but i would still be none the wiser. i need a sign.
i'll have to be sure, otherwise it wouldn't be fair to you. that's if you even care of course.
so, right after cny, it's fieldcamp. 7 days of hell, where we get freakingscrewed leftrightcentre by our sergeants, some of whom would no doubt be rubbing their hands in glee at the thought of being empowered to unleash unto us what was previously unleashed unto them when they were going through their own 7 days of hell.
mygod can you imagine. those amongst us who become sergeants or officers will rub their hands in glee when their recruits go for fieldcamp. the endless cycle of hate is thus perpetuated.
enough of negative thoughts.
how much happy stuff ever comes onto this blog?
-silence
a little tribute
a special mention to my dear section mates.
when i was sick, at home and just recovering from my throat infection, one lovely sms from buddy yihan on behalf of the section really melted my heart. it went:
"the whole section says 'fuck you' to you! basket.. keng sia.. haha.."
therethere. lovely mates i've got eh.
Wednesday, January 25
so far.
i just realised that right now i'm further away from all the people i hold close to my heart, further than ever before.
friends. family. the soccer girls. everyone.
on holiday
here here, now i've got a long break. damn, so sick. i couldn't un-fake it much as i wanted to. i didn't wanna miss live range.
happy birthday to you!
Saturday, January 21
i miss you.
i'd just like to tell this special someone all the things i never dared to. it just was not possible. but now after so long i just miss you especially so. and i'd always look back on that one special night.
of course i'm not gonna say everything here.
let me live
greetings earthlings.
army has thought me to cherish things i may have at one time or another, taken for granted. especially my family. and other stuff like proper food, my phone, and hot bath water.
at times when it's reveille (waking up time lah) and i lie on my bed, fan beating furiously above, the cold emotionless wardrobe beside me, i get no motivation to live. the days are mind-numbing, going through motions and following procedures. all the shit there is, wearing my body and spirit away. breaking my will. i'm surrounded by wonderful people. they help to make life a bit more bearable. but there's no way i could ever bring myself to grow to love this.
i must tell myself i'm stronger than this.
7 weeks to go.
one hour late for lights out. bah.
Monday, January 9
first bookout.
i guess i didn't sound excited enough. reaction to this first bookout is underwhelming, to put it gently. see, we have to go back to that island in less than 24 hours.
how could i live this kind of life for the next 665 days.
damn we all look the same.
i think i may lose my capacity to think because there's simply no room for "individualistic behaviour" in the army. they say, you do. they're right, you're wrong. when you don't get anything, say "yes sir".
and when they ask you how you're feeling, just say "i feel outstanding". after all, that is, in the words of one particular person himself, "what i (they) expect you to say". fuck however you are actually feeling.
shall say no more.
Friday, January 6
leaving on a jetplane (or rather, ferry)
not many hours left now. it's already jan 6.
the physical torture, the mental toughness, the gruelling days, they won't make me cry. it's just the thought of the people. leaving loved ones behind. and all the things i'll be missing.
to the closest people in my life, you mean more to me than just that sms can say.
i may say a little prayer from time to time, seeking spiritual refuge from beings i do not (yet) believe to exist. but in the end, i would be the source of my strength and comfort.
goodbye everyone.
Wednesday, January 4
be gone
looking back at me i saw
what i had now become,
the leaves are dry, the soul almost dead and
all the deeds are done.
the river meanders, then stranded at a standstill,
loses all direction.
seismic activity moves it off its course until
it swerves, shakes off all emotion.
dark nights beckon where all there would be
are the sunless skies without stars,
where dreams of home and all those loved ones
cut me open and leave scars.
throats as dry as the Gobi desert,
plough through the days of dread.
hearts as dry, and drier still
trod the paths of pains and regret.
what the mind believes, the eyes would see,
oh what great love is out there.
always let the flame of hope,
burn ever so fair.
keep up, i won't be down,
photograph those tears, as they hit the ground.
batter and burn me, i may almost die,
but i'll be back, to the cheers of the crowd.
Tuesday, January 3
out
the things that we study in school, are ultimately useless once we get out of school.
need proof? *drumroll* 13 giant plastic bags of trash i got from emptying my room! those of which are mainly made up of all the stuff from sec school and jc life. once we left school, many of those books and notes and workbooks tend to be made useless.
at least i can keep the lit books.
Monday, January 2
the final countdown
it's pretty fun pretending that you know how to do hiphop dance.
it's brilliant to know people you click with virtually instantly.
even though the party itself was just "okay lah".
NYE was, well, not out of this world. still good fun nonetheless. if janyz was reading this she'd rush to point out that dinner that night had put a smile on our faces, hers especially. yeah she had something else that had her face plastered on in a smile. i mean no offence but i don't really get it. (so now do you? hahah.)
and the countdown to NYD itself was, err "was there one?" i think if i were at the fireworks with jerry and gang i might have remembered something of counting down.
and i'm sure if janyz is reading this (again; there's no obsession!), she'd rush to point out that xmas eve was infinitely more fun.
and to a countdown on a more depressing note, it's less than FOUR days till the end of my days here. i'd be gone to somewhere far away. where my soul will cease to be and my being will stop living and start existing.
a bad extended version of survivor: pulau tekong..........
