Saturday, May 27
lonely up there.i have with me momentos of three days outfield: lots of sandfly bite marks and a soul more tired, more impatient. at the same time just more resigned, ruefully. i'm still waiting, but more in hope than in expectation.
another 5 weeks out there. how far to insanity?
and i've become more sure, about how at times i'm so far away from the person i want to be. i swear it's the place, and the people. some of them anyway.
i've never really despised anyone, mainly 'cause it's just not in my nature to be this way, but i've come to terms with the fact that i really am surrounded by some really low people. worst of all i just find myself becoming like them at times: selfish, inconsiderate, childish, self-centered, or at times just downright stupid. i've had to remind myself at times, not to become the very kind of person look upon with such disdain. but if people cared only for themselves why do i bother even spending energy thinking about them? the balance has yet to be struck. and i just don't wanna be bothering about this for too much longer. i hope.
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just because i've not had the best progress, doesn't mean i'd give up. it was another bad day in the office, so i closed my positions and went to town, just to get away from everything. i realised the mistakes i made. so i paid for another lesson. i will not give up.
i want to be successful and wealthy. i must not think that i do not deserve it.
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Chelsea update!
Chelsea have signed germany and bayern munich international captain michael ballack. for FREE. ballack has 30 goals in 63 games for germany, and 44 goals in 103 games for bayern. that translates to a goal in about two games, comparable to our own midfield extraordinaire frank lampard. now.. (imagines two frank lampards doing damage)
up next: andriy shevchenko, who's almost certainly heading for Chelsea. top scorer for 3-4 consecutive seasons for ac milan, and highest ever goalscorer in the champions league. hmm.
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i've chosen SMU. yes.
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now for some shoutouts, whether you've tagged or not..
claire: hey nice to see you here. you just secretly love my blog right.. hahaha.
emiko: i've heard about the way the match panned out. if you guys can make the next one on a saturday okay? then i can go watch. heh.
tab: hmm no lah it's really okay. malaysia's like nothing special, what can you get for me? a "my friend went to malaysia and got me this tee" thing? lol. so yeah it's okay really. and i reply in chronological order you see..
mistress: i wished we spent more time under the stars. what's the rush right? we might have found the orion belt then. sometimes i get too caught up in pursuit of the material things in life, all the investments and the capital gains or being saddened by losses, that i don't really know how to respond to things like looking at a clear starry sky anymore. that really is shameful. i kinda knew intuitively it'd mean a lot to you. so sorry. but then again, perhaps it was better that way, just looking up for a while and pretending they're all stars before we slowly figure out which were the ones which are actually satellites in disguise. :)
Sunday, May 21
the mindlessstupidity permeates the place. the air is pungent.
"we're allowed to bring mp3 players without memory."
(gives "wtfh?" face)i'm rather worried, 'cause if stupidity is contagious then whatever is left of my intellectual capacity will slowly (or quickly) and surely be eroded away. i just wanna rant. everything in there only serves to reinforce my point of view that the place is just so...
-breaks into "there are moments in your life you just feel something so strongly that words don't do it justice" lyrical.i've also rationalised with myself that it's okay to be a selfish bastard in camp. everyone else is doing it anyway. and since conformity is the order of the day, and many of such days in fact..
it's a wretched life.
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onto less depressing but nonetheless mindboggling issues, i'm now torn between smu and nus. my heart says smu, my mind says nus, and my friends say nothing that can help me. and i thought my results, while not brilliant, were good enough. not taking a-math is haunting me big time.
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now for some shoutouts:
alvin: no matter you go, army's gonna bring you down somehow seeing that ure so unhappy. might as well gun for command school and get more money? can screw people too, rather than always getting screwed. being a private soldier in units ain't all that fun too, as you might have surmised from my entries. good advice that i never had. but still up to you in the end i guess.
stan: it's all nice and rosy when ure enjoying yourselves.. time crawls on one leg for me in camp. and flies at a gazillion miles per hours when i'm out.
elaine: i really have a lot of other things to be bothered about. but yes! haha.
josephine: ooh surprised to see ya here. it was painful missing half the season, from jan onwards. it's gonna be worse missing the whole season. gahhh.
tab: that was the life.. while i didn't love school i quite liked it anyway. remembering when times were so easy..
Saturday, May 13
shoutouts to the people who've tagged: sorry i've been lazy to reply.
it's time to make it up.
tab: hey thanks for always being on the tagboard. yes i've updated the links and stuff.
jas: you know how i'm so hating this army bitch which takes so much time away from me. i'm really sorry if at times i seemed like i don't care. in the little time i have, sometimes i can just be so very tired.
emiko: hello. glad to hear the team doing well. hurhur.
val: ello. yes it's been a long time, and i miss those times in the past. nice bumping into you the other day too, i think we're living proof of how the world can be so very small for certain people. we'll go for dinner sometimes soon yeah? hope to see you sometime soon too. :)
everyone: i've noticed a lot of the tags include something that goes along the lines of "hey ed, be happy yeah!" nownow. what makes you all think i'm unhappy?
=D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D
i'm trying too hard.
Wednesday, May 10
murphy's lawi somehow feel better now that it's fallen through, as they told me "oh sorry it's next week". i mean, worse things can happen.
so now it's next monday. i can only wait. but i'm not coping so well with that.
block leave begins here! about 4 days or so of break. away from that wretched place.
Friday, May 5
vindicationfinally. it is finally close. for what can rightfully be called - vindication.
i'm more excited than anything, but in the corner of my mind there's also this awareness that there is always this little chance that everything might fall through. i can only cross my fingers and hope and pray.
there's also the block leave to look forward to. brilliant stuff.
Monday, May 1
these past daysthe few days gone by have been rather eventful, not always for the right reasons. not sure how great are my chances of getting into smu. and still very sick.
and then chelsea are premier league champions again, crushing man utd, no less, with three goals without reply. it really was quite stunning. i screamed with every goal. every deft touch. with an infected throat no less. and for an hour and a half i felt no malaise, no sickness. then came the trophy presentation, which i just took in silently, with a quiet smile. how surreal.
it's been a strange few days too, with dad away in europe. booking in and out becomes a real problem as well.
and then i'm just waiting and waiting still. i just hope it comes. and fast.
