Wednesday, December 28
when i knew, i was never close to being overwhelmed. inevitable only perhaps, what right did i have to expect it to be any different anyway?
none at all.
hope it was merry christmas to you and you and you. it was for me too. see, i can always pretend that i'm happy. logic says that i still would not be, but on the contrary if i don't show it, i won't think it. then i won't feel it.
and it works. always has. and always will need it to be.
so i'm a happy young man of eighteen. my heartbeat is stable. i'm in fine fettle despite all the hurt.
everytime i emerge, i am wiser, and i am more sceptical. more cynical. more adept at hiding my feelings so deep beneath they disappear. occasionally they resurface, but this happy man that i am will not be kept down for too long.
i am stronger.
home is where the hurt belongs.
and when i still belong to this world the hurt will always belong, and never too long away. i won't cry. i'll just sit down and pretend it's all fine. i won't look to the world anymore. people are no good anyway. anything i need, i'll look and i'll find within myself. anything more from anyone else, a welcome luxury i shall only occasionally indulge myself in.
if you all did not know i'd be going away to the army soon. a million miles away from everything else. all i have would be myself. spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, i know i will get through anything they throw at me. physically, i would only hope my resolve will hold me out and get me through everything, everything they do to try and break me.
basically, it all comes back to how the world is of no comfort. it's everyone else against me. i'm a rebel with a cause. and when i have people on my side, i'll be thankful but i'll bear no expectation. i draw comfort from myself, i find solace and love for myself in myself. when all else is gone, i have the most precious thing: myself. it's the best thing that anyone can give me for christmas.